Bridget Hart

I have a tradition: every time I move house, I sit in my empty room to say goodbye and reflect on the things that have happened there….

Blue Bedroom

As someone who has became adept at preparing for the worst, escaping is something that I do often and well. ‘Well’ meaning that I can successfully avoid parts of my life that are too stressful, or people that are hurting me. I use many things to escape: exercise, sleeping, reading, watching endless tv and smoking a lot of weed. Physical escape is not always an option for me, I am a working class woman who’s priorities have never been to travel. I don’t think about going on holiday, or a short break, and when I do it is only ever a pipeline dream.

But I have recently moved into my own flat which is a very big and lucky shift for me. The house I lived in before I shared with my long term partner, and our friend who owned the house. This residence reminds me now of a sponge, sagging with major life events. In the bedroom that I painted galaxy blue, I got the last text my best friend would send before she died. My partner clumsily navigated his way through polyamory and I pretended I wanted it too. I stuffed every triggered emotion under the mattress and eventually it became too hard for us both to sleep on. We ended our relationship after a long summer escaping in festivals, drugs, other people. When I couldn’t escape anymore I sank into the bed that was now just mine, and couldn’t move again.

I have a tradition: every time I moved house, I sit in my empty room to say goodbye and reflect on the things that have happened there. After one more glance around at the blue bedroom, I turned off the light and shut the door. Too many goodbyes in that room, in that house, and it was time to leave and not look back. I have lived alone for a few months now and escaping really is just coming home, and existing in a space that is just for me. Where I can express anything, dance around in my underwear, fall off-balance when I do yoga, leave the washing up for a whole day and just be myself. I have gotten so good at performing outside, that real reprieve is sitting on the sofa, watching Grace and Frankie and picking my toenails.